reflections, week 21

skipped another week because things have been even wilder… I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, now—I’m hopeful but nervous, and I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other until then.

write something every day (except Shabbat). really fell off the wagon for this for the month, not just this week—from an abandoned bullet journal to various works in progress that have seen no action whatsoever, and I haven’t even been updating my word count spreadsheet. and, as you can see on the blog, it hasn’t been any better here! the truth is that this has been a really difficult month for me on a personal level, and these struggles have consumed every waking moment. it looks like we might be on a path to some resolution, which I hope will allow me to take the reins of my life in the last week of the month!

be better about money. this has been so-so over the past couple of weeks—I think I’ve been doing more spending to try and fill the hole that I’m feeling because of these personal conflicts. I have tried to not buy things that are too frivolous, but the truth is that I did not need all this new baking equipment or the ingredients to test like 10 new recipes (recap coming soon, once I crack the code for the brazo de reina)… I just got them because they made me feel better. I have also replaced my laptop and I’m waiting for the new one to be delivered—but I don’t feel guilty about that because I have had my current laptop for seven years and I love her dearly but she’s ready for retirement.

self-validate more. I’ve realized that there is still a part of this which I am struggling with and which is not so much giving myself credit for the work that I have done or trusting myself to do things—but more about trusting myself and my instincts and my needs without needing anyone’s permission. I really thought that I had gotten over my issues trusting myself but honestly it’s another day, another way in which complex PTSD continues to impact my life. I think that realizing ADHD is part of my life has made it a lot easier to give myself room to struggle with staying organized at home and come up with more regimented systems to support myself in executive functioning—but now it’s time to spread that to being kind and supportive of myself regarding whatever I need for life after trauma.

throughout these dark few weeks, I have been incredibly blessed to have friends and family near and far offer their support in a myriad of ways. if nothing else, that has been a beautiful part of all of this—to know that, even if sometimes I am writing here just for myself, I am not in fact alone. 🙂

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reflections, week 19

a day late because of permanent residency interview shenanigans with my husband (please send your thoughts, prayers, and offerings so he gets approved!!!), but here are some thoughts on my goals for the year:

write something every day (except Shabbat). I’ve done some really good writing lately—but there hasn’t been a lot of time to write. a part of that is that my final course for my doctoral program (!!!!!) ended last Sunday and I was focused on it, and part is just that things have been wild both on a personal and professional level. the thing that most shows how little time I’ve dedicated to this is that I’ve really fallen behind on my bullet journal. if I can’t find the time to sit down and update my bullet journal for a few minutes every day, then I’m definitely struggling to find time to write with any sort of intentionality. that said, I do have some voice recordings from my commute to and from job #2 that I’m hoping to type up this week to get myself in more of a writing groove.

be better about money. this took a bit of a hit this past week because I’m using some of my summer money to take care of some things that needed replacing at home as well as requesting a new passport which my married name (yes, almost a whole year later, I just didn’t want to be passport-less during the immigration evidence review process). I’m still in a better place for the summer than I was last year—but the bar is pretty low, as I had zero savings last year because I’d spent most of it on the wedding and his immigration paperwork. I’m hoping that, now that I’m caught up on bills and have taken care of the replacements and the like, I’ll be able to do some more saving in these last few paychecks before summer shenanigans hit. fingers crossed!

self-validate more. this remains the one where I feel like I really maxed out early and I’ve been working on maintaining it—which is hilarious because, when I added it to this year’s goals, I 100% did not expect that I would ever really be able to say that I had succeeded in this. it has been a mark of how much I have grown in my understanding of myself and in my coping mechanisms that I am able to pull myself out of self-loathing puddles before beginning to spiral and that I can separate myself and my worth from mistakes that I’ve made. I’ve got my very last therapy appointment with Dr. S next week, though—so only time will tell if I can keep this up once I’m flying solo.

until the next time, y’all!

reflections, week 18

it has been a wild time around here, seeing as I’m officially in my thirties! also, this is the last week of my last class for my doctoral program—next up is the comprehensive exam this summer and then it’s dissertation time!

write something every day (except Shabbat). this was not amazing this past week, but the days I did write were really good! I wrote a fair amount and I am excited about the projects I’ve been working on, so I’m hoping this will be better next month!

be better about money. this continues to be pretty decent right now because I have a cushion thanks to that tax refund—I just need to keep a cushion so that things remain this easy moving forward! I will try to keep it together throughout May, but we’ll see how the summer goes…

self-validate more. having my work wife out on field trips and other meetings meant that I have had to do more stuff independently and validate my own work this past week—so I’m still doing well with this so far! recognizing that ADHD is a thing in my life and dealing with the things that are due to ADHD but I had previously considered personal failures has also gone a long way in this department. 🙂

until the next time, when things are hopefully less wild and I don’t have to be oh-so-brief!

reflections, week 17

we’re back at it, folks—trying to get this done early today so I can keep working on the old to-do list…

write something every day (except Shabbat). this has been a massive issue this month, for some reason—I know it’s been a really busy month but I really had dreams of catching up during spring break and it just did not happen. I did better at writing this past week than I have throughout this month, but it still is not where I want it to be. I also went the longest I’ve gone not working on my bullet journal so far (about 10 days!!!!), so I’m trying to come up with some ideas to do better next month.

be better about money. this has been pretty steady so far—I think getting that big tax refund really made a difference in letting me get caught up and then ahead on some payments, so I’m finally in a comfortable place. also, my husband is now working, and I’m actually going to have summer savings to supplement my summer job money—so I might be able to stay caught-up/ahead for the first summer in a long time.

self-validate more. my therapist and I have been having some wind-down sessions (she’s retiring and we think I might be able to fly solo!), and she remarked on how different my self-talk is during sessions. she specifically pointed out that she has not had to correct any negative self-talk in over a year because, whenever it slips out, I have corrected myself. it was so exciting and validating to hear it from her because she has seen my journey very closely and understands better than anyone how much growth this entails!

until next time, y’all!

reflections, week 16

we’re back on the saddle after a week off from updates, y’all! it’s honestly been absolutely wild over the past two weeks, between SAT and PSAT and a paper due for my grad class and my husband’s 30th birthday and then preparing for Passover since I’m hosting seder for the first time this Friday… but I’m taking a minute in the middle of my spring break to breathe and reflect.

write something every day (except Shabbat). this definitely hasn’t happened in the last couple of weeks, as might be expected according to the aforementioned wilderness. I even missed my weekly updates for the first time! I had a lot of dreams of getting caught up over spring break that haven’t panned out, particularly since I’m now sick (as is the case every time we have a school break)! I’m not super convinced that things will be very different over the next week or two, since I’ve got another paper and then it’s my 30th birthday, but maybe things will even out again in May?

be better about money. this has remained pretty steady—that tax refund was really life-changing because I’m finally caught up on payments and I have a little rainy day fund. I worry that the rainy day fund will just be a summer fund, as it often happens… but J is finally employed and I think this summer might be a little easier than usual… fingers crossed!

self-validate more. this was harder to do when I lost my writing momentum, but I’ve been trying to be kind to myself and just remember that I’m doing so much stuff and I’ve got mental illnesses and it’s honestly a miracle I find enough time to do the essential, let alone the extra stuff. I just think I need to rethink my priorities for this next quarter a little bit.

fingers crossed I’m back here soon—I did miss the chance for reflection last week! 🙂

reflections, week 14

I thought last week was difficult—but nothing could have prepared me for this week. I had a pretty intense PTSD episode (post incoming), did some laundry, and tried to keep my head afloat. on a bright side, the walkthrough happened this past Monday and it seems to have gone quite well!

write something every day (except Shabbat). I actually did write every day except Shabbat this past week, not even including academic work, and it was super exciting! I’ve started Camp NaNoWriMo strong—okay, it’s only three days, but I don’t usually start on the 1st so I’m giving myself credit—and I’m actually excited about this story! we’ll see how this goes!

be better about money. I got my tax refund today and I’ve never been more excited to see a deposit in my savings. I’m trying to keep at least 40% of it in savings, so we’ll see how that goes—but all I did with that money today was pay this month’s bills early (aaaaaaand buy tickets for Endgame for myself and some of my closest friends since it comes out my birthday weekend)! I’m gonna also buy some supplies for my classroom and some hair products from ULTA because I’ve been waiting forever to buy them. but overall, I feel pretty excited about making good money decisions lately, including accepting a summer job that I know will be more work but will pay way better than my other option.

self-validate more. my therapist actually remarked on this just this past Monday, as I told her about my PTSD episode and managed not just to avoid negative self-talk but also give myself props for how I handled things. I’m also sitting on that post (I’ve literally got five in the queue), but I’m trying to figure out what makes the most sense when (and what I can finish first).

until the next time, in whichever post that might be!

reflections, week 13

this past week has been… rough. I don’t know if I’m just taking my therapist’s retirement harder than I thought I was or if PSAT bootcamp at work is just ruining my whole vibe, but I’ve dissociated more in the past week than I have all year so far—and I wasn’t stellar on my goals, either.

write something every day (except Shabbat). this was, for the first time this year, a total fail this past week. I wrote what was essential for grad school because I absolutely had to—but there were way too many days where I went, “I could write right now, but I could also just play this new The Sims 4 game pack…” and that just was not a productive approach. I’m hoping to try Camp NaNoWriMo (yet again, lol) next month just to see if being surrounded by other people who are excited and writing will get me, well, writing.

I’ve also gone back to the idea of trying to establish a routine. I really think part of the issue is also that I do so many other things sitting at that spot on my computer, so my ADHD brain is struggling to conceptualize writing when we don’t have to as a task we do there—but sitting literally anywhere else would give me issues breathing (due to the cat being all over every other surface) or just completely isolate me from everyone else in the house. So I think I might compromise by getting an old netbook back into shape and using that to be my writing computer? If I keep it plugged in near my other computer, it might be easy enough to switch between the two and focus on writing for a little bit.

be better about money. this hasn’t been stellar this whole month, to be honest—I made the grave mistake of being too excited for my tax refund and, since it has yet to arrive, I am struggling. I have to spend this weekend getting caught up on my finances and setting a plan for next month, or my 30th birthday plans are not going to be the only thing that I have to drop next month. on a bright side, I have remained strong on all my canceled subscriptions!

self-validate more. this was exceedingly difficult this week because I did so poorly on the other two resolutions and I have, in general, been in a really weird emotional place lately. however, despite some negative self-talk rearing its head this week, I’ve managed to not berate myself or go into a self-loathing spiral—and I’ll take that win, damn it.

until the next time, in which I will be discussing my issues with my nemesis, the laundry!